hell yes lets make some ravioli
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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