fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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