You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
