Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
