tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
