This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
