i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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