i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
