I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
