The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
