Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
