i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My feet surprised me
Randomize
