there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
