I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize