But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just made out with a guy for $7.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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