its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
