How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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