Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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