I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The police scanner is talking about you again....
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
