i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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