saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
And then my night got REAL pukey
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
