My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
