ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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