I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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