I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm at about main and main street
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
