cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
