i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize