I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
