I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
