There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Randomize
