Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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