it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
