i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
How does it feel to date your dad?
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