Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
