it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
