Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i will never coherently bang her
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize