Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
She's JV to your varsity
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Randomize
