I accidentally had phone sex last night
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
