I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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