what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He kissed a someone with a penis
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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Randomize