If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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