I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
