i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
