ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
