when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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