Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
