Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My vagina is very pro this idea
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
