It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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