just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
