you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
