It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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