In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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