I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Hippo gnu deer
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
