I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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