I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
