I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm just crazy horny about you
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
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