just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
