I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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