New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
