please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
