I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
