the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
