I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
