there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
