I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
