The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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