I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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