i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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