My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
