Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
