dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
