Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
